Sunday, January 11, 2009

I'm at very important crossroads right now

While celebrating a new year and my birthday recently, I couldn’t help but notice that right now I’m at very important crossroads at this point in my life. Some reasons for this are that we’re already in 2009 and I just turned 28 several days ago. Many people if not most at this point of their lives would have accomplished a lot more than I did so far in my own life. For example, many people are married and have children at this age. Other people have successful businesses or jobs that pay well. In addition to these accomplishments, most people at my age have an active social life that they enjoy and many friends that they have fun with. I so far don’t have any of these accomplishments unfortunately.

In the past for a very long time I blamed my severe stuttering for my current situation. I very firmly believed that if I could just completely control my stuttering in all situations once again like I could many years ago then everything would magically change in my life. That means that in my mind everything depended on the breakage of my stuttering and without this my life couldn’t be made better. That’s why I waited for many years for my stuttering to break before finally starting to move on with my life and start to finally living it. The major problem with this plan was that I gave up and was willing to sacrifice far too much in order to wait until my stuttering was under my complete control again. In other words I put my entire life on hold and let my stuttering to hold me back instead of living it or at least attempting to live it. My situation was made worse because for some reason my stuttering remained outside my control to this very day.

For many years until very recently I failed to realize that my plan to wait until my stuttering was under my control again was very wrong and didn’t work. I finally began to see how wrong my plan was when my sister challenged me in one of our many conversations to think about everything and to analyze everything in my life. I saw that my severe stuttering could only stop me from living my life like everyone else if I only let it. I saw that if I really tried very hard, I probably would have at least some success at living my life. That’s because over the years I’ve been having limited progress in getting my stuttering under control. That’s why my stuttering was getting slowly better in some ways over the years. One sign of this is that most people seem to understand me at the end when I talk with them in person. In the past this certainly wasn’t like this at all. I also finally realize that I have waited for far too long and don’t really have an option of continuing to wait and do almost nothing to free myself from my stuttering anymore. After a lot of deep thinking I for the first time see that my current situation is not entirely due to my severe stuttering. My attitude and passiveness toward everything also played a major part. I finally see that if I will let this continue, then I will not accomplish anything in life and life will just continue to pass me by. In other words I’m in a very important struggle right now for my life. If I will fail then it will simply mean that my entire life would pass me by and be totally wasted. That means that I’m right now somewhere between life and death. That’s how serious my current situation is. In order to prevent the worst case scenario, succeed and revolutionize my life I finally realize that I not only have to work at getting my stuttering under control. I also must make major improvement in all areas of my life. That’s the only way I’ll be entirely free at the end. I’ll keep you informed on my progress and the steps I’m planning to take or already taking in order to completely change my life for the better.

By the way I hope that all of you had a very good holiday season despite of the terrible economy we are in right now!